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บทเรียนที่รัก – Love First. Understand Second

2018 was amazing! The year has brought so many amazing things into my life. It was the year that full of gravity, hope, challenges, chances, love, joy, and happiness. For a very short time, the universe gave me the most wonderful time of my life. Life brought me a loving person and shown me a great experience to learn, to understand along with those beautiful memories that I will always feel grateful for.

“We choose someone to love only by not choosing to love millions of others”

James Wood.

I was lucky! The rain stopped a few minutes before I finished a shower. I put on my clothes and quickly moving myself to the public park nearby. It was another fresh day but the wet green grass kept people away. I put my bag down by the tree, walked bare feet on the grass, and started moving my body along with my breath. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe in love and breathe out love, just let everything go.

I started writing this blog on the night before. There’re some moments that I felt sad and alone, and I knew that I can’t change anything that has happened in the past. I took this chance to learn, to understand and accept the sadness that I have within myself.

We all have to go thought so many things in life, good and bad, happy and sad. I’ll not talk about all the things I’ve been thought, but I will talk about what I’ve learned from life in the past year, why I feel sad, and how I understand myself.

Before you read this blog, please understand that this is a very personal story that I feel grateful for, and today it becomes a beautiful memory of a man I love.

Today I feel sad, but it’s not because of love.

Why do I feel sad? I am sad because of the fact that the person I love is not coming back to me, chose to stop loving me, gave up on me, and chose to let go of me. I am sad because we’re not going to be together anymore. I am sad because I still love him and I still want to spend my whole life with him.

The truth is, we can’t force anyone to stay in our lives if they don’t want to. Staying is a choice and this is what we can’t control. I am heartbroken but I am thankful that I know love.

Understanding

Everything in our lives comes and goes. Sometimes it appears and sometimes it disappears. We came here with nothing, but we all earn something and lose something every single minute in our lives; time, money, hope, trust, friends, lovers, …etc. All the things that came to our lives will be gone one day, either when we live, or when death comes to us.

Life is like this. This is the truth about life. What we can do is to learn from it, embrace it, accept it, and hopefully, we can somehow manage ourselves to enjoy this “process of life”.

“Life is the first gift, love is the second and understanding the third.”

MARGE PIERCY

What you earn from life will become experience, but what you will learn from your experience is depending on how you understand it.

Learning

“I knew I’d miss you. But the surprising thing is, you never leave me. I never forget a thing. Every kind of love, it seems, is the only one. It doesn’t happen twice. And I never expected that you could have a broken heart and love with it too, so much that it doesn’t seem broken at all”

Jodi Lynn Anderson, Tiger Lily

Without suffering, we may not find wisdom. Without fools, we might never discover love. Without love, we may never know kindness and forgiveness. So be thankful that you know love and you allow those experiences to teach you.

I may feel sad. I may cry every night but hope those tears will keep reminding me how beautiful I am, and how strong I am – to have so much love in my heart, to spend with the ones I love, and to be able to love myself more when I really need. Today I learn how to love unconditionally and I will do it with all my best.

Thankful

I still feel your love but I’ll set myself free from all those beautiful words that I used to hear. I still remember your love but I’ll set myself free from all the touches that I used to feel. “I have loved you with all my heart” and I’ll set myself free from all the future plans, expectations, and everything that we used to have together.

The fire that burns within us will end one day but I hope the love that we still have for each other will keep on shining and remain.

“Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can’t control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That’s what it was like for me. I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”

Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

I appreciate my heart. I feel so thankful for being alive and to be able to understand myself more and more each day. I also feel thankful that I know love and be able to love. Today I am enough. I am whole.” Thanks to my past relationship, I will never know more about myself if I didn’t walk into this love.

………

Thank you for reading my story. I wish you all happiness in every day of your life. I wish you can find true love inside your heart. I wish you all love!

For Jan Langr and a beautiful memory.

May

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